Geek Culture, Writing and Other Junk from Writer C. A. Wilke
Get Lethal Response with MagnaVolt

Get Lethal Response with MagnaVolt

When I was a kid, I once thought about how to prevent cars from being stolen. It occurred to me, that if we can electrify a metal fence, why can’t we electrify the metal outside of a car. (This was back when the outside shell of a car was usually still made of metal.) I thought, what could go wrong?

Not much later, RoboCop came out. (The original.) Now, like all 80’s action movies. It was bad. Not just bad, but horribly bad. Don’t get me wrong, I still hold a special place in my heart for it, but let’s be honest. Robocop wasn’t really even good-bad.

Still… That movie featured a fake commercial that was like the answer to my dreams. Introducing, the MagnaVold Car Alarm System. No annoying alarms and it won’t even run down your battery. Here, take a gander just to refresh your memory (or get introduced if you’ve never seen it).

I mean, you can’t beat that, right? Stops the bad guys cold. Er… Maybe not cold as much as crispy.

As an adult, though, I can see just how horribly bad this car protection system really is. I mean, think about what it does to the car. Remember how I said crispy? Yeah, I don’t think the odor of freshly electrified human flesh would be terribly appetizing. And if it is, you have other problems, bucko. I have a feeling it would take a little more than rolling the windows down for a few miles and a new dangling-tree air-freshener to get rid of THAT smell.

But wait! There’s more!

Not only do you get that burnt-flesh stench permanently embedded in your beautiful black pleather, but you’re also responsible for disposing of the body. That’s right, a human corpse can be classified as biohazard material. You don’t know what diseases he had. And even if the body is not a biohazard, it’s just plain rude to dump a body in the middle of the parking garage or into the road next to your parallel parking spot. It’s called littering, and it’s a $500 fine, Bucko!

Sufficiently deterred from buying a MagnaVolt yet? No? Okay, here’s the big one. You ready? You’re gonna be grossed out. Okay, you asked for it.

A person being electrocuted has a decent chance of evacuating their bowels and emptying their bladder in the process. Think about that for a second. This person, this criminal, who may not be the healthiest individual, very well may crap and piss himself/herself right there in the bucket seat of your new BMW.

How about that for fun? Is that fun? No, I don’t think so. That one fact, right there makes this thing a great big NOPE!

So there you have it: poop, piss, scorched flesh smell and fat littering fine. That’s four big reasons confirming why I think the MagnaVolt might just be one of the worst ideas in science fiction history. 

Oh…one more thing. What about all those times you set off your own car alarm by accident? If you thought fumbling with your keyfob to stop the obnoxious screeching as your brain panics at the utter embarrassment of being a jackass was bad, how big of an asshole do you think you’ll look like when the MagnaVolt crispified your ass like you’re some kind of common criminal?

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